Forever Changed

As we made the drive to the congested downtown area, I am sure I can remember staring out the window in a daze. I couldn't tell you where we parked, or how we managed to find a spot at all because the next thing I remember is signing in at the front desk. With every person that I encountered I was confidently hopeful that they would read my mind begging them to stop me. One woman questioned the decision that seemed inevitable, and she almost saved us. But I lied because I didn't want to lose him. Then we went to the next room. It is almost like watching a movie with no sound playing out in my head. This was the ultrasound room. There I saw my baby on the screen and my heart sank. The monitor was turned away from my view before I could express what I was contemplating. On to the next room. The big, empty, ice-cold sterile death trap where my baby would be ripped from my body. While I was screaming on the inside my actions never responded and I succumbed to what I thought was the only way. It was as if my heart stopped beating at the same time as my sweet, innocent child. I would be forever changed.

It is a rare occasion that the internal suffering of a post-abortive woman is discussed. I've seen Tik Tok's mocking people that are struggling with getting an abortion. The repeated words of society today tell us that abortion is an easy out, a way to get rid of your problem and we don't need to feel bad about it. Those words are simply not true. We have taken the life of a baby, a precious child created by God in His image. A gift that was meant to be protected and nurtured. Somehow, we buy into the lies that bring us to a place of justifying the choice to abort. At some point, the lies become exposed and for some of us it is almost too horrific of a burden to withstand. If this is where you are, you are not alone! Though it was not an easy road, I have found healing and peace through Jesus and I long to share words of hope and encouragement through my journey.